Song O' The Day

In honor of my move:

Thought of the Day

Someone (who has experience in this arena) said to me:

"You're great at relationships - just not so much the commitment."

Does this make sense to you? How are you with commitment? Any advice for commitment-phobes?

Update

Hi Kiddles,

I just wanted to let you all know that the next few weeks will be sparse with content. I have accepted a job offer at a firm in NYC and need to spend the next few weeks adjusting to life in the Big Apple. So the bad news is that I won't be able to post as much as I'd like but the good news is that I have some wonderful guest posters lined up AND I will hopefully have some new and crazy material to blog about soon.

xo
Meg

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Ask Izzy: Are we all masochists?

Masochism: pleasure in being abused or dominated; a taste for suffering.

Pleasure. Taste. Suffering.

Taste. Suffering. Pleasure.

Poetic isn’t it? I am a masochist. No, not in the “tie-me-up-and-beat-me-with-whips” type of way. But in the “I-want-what-I-can’t-have-cuz-in-the-end-it-will-taste-sweeter” type of way. How can we know what pleasure feels like without a taste of suffering? As I look over the ghosts (men) of my past and present, I notice a certain trend. I drive and feed off of the challenge. After all, who wants what is handed to them on a silver platter? Not me.

In high school, there was Bob. Bob was four years older, very good looking, mysterious, sexy and also my brother’s friend a.k.a off limits. He was my first conquest. It didn't occur to me then that I was barely a teenager. I didn't care if I was too young. I wanted the satisfaction of saying, I “got” him. After charming him with my "Izzy magic", over the course of many months, I finally got my taste and my god was it filled with pleasure. So what happened to me and Bob? Well, I moved on of course. No challenge + no suffering = attraction over. This story ends with me on a hot pursuit for my next victim and unfortunately for Bob, my brother's fist finding his beautiful face. Oops.

In college, I found myself wanting the guys, that wouldn’t give me the time of day. At least not at first. When I met my ex, he was in a relationship for over 3 years. Yes ladies and gents, you can classify me as a home wrecker. But don't feel too bad, this home was more like an abandoned crack house. In fact I think I did it a favor by flattening it like a pancake with my um... wits. Don't get me wrong, I played nice and we were never physical until he was single. But rest assure I did pursue him like a predator hunts its prey. I liked the challenge and loved that I was the apple, in his Garden of Eden: deliciously forbidden.

In its truest form, I am undoubtedly a masochist. I allow myself to suffer because it's what I want, what I need. Maybe someday I won't need to dangle my forbidden apple in front of the unattainable to get my masochistic need fed. One day Mr. Right will take a bite when I least expect it, and the insatiable need to suffer and run will disappear; heck he might make me the kind of masochist that gives the silk ties a try.

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Ask Izzy is a bi-weekly column written by a twenty-something New Yorker (Izzy) whose progressive side often collides with her eternally optimistic romantic side. Feel free to join the conversation and send any questions/concerns/topics you'd like her to address: ask.izzy123@gmail.com

Song O' The Day

I've had this song stuck in my head for days! It's so sweet and simple.

Iyaz "Replay"

Best Dating Advice

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"Cute's good. But cute only lasts for so long, and then it's, Who are you as a person? That's the advice I would give to women: Don't look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn't know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you're dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never feel less than. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole. And if you're in that relationship and you're dating, then my advice is, don't get married."

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For more great advice from former first ladies, head over to Your Tango. My second favorite is from Mrs. Betty Ford:

"You go into it, both of you, as a seventy-thirty proposition. In other words, here I'm giving seventy, he can give thirty, he's giving seventy, I give thirty. When you're going overboard trying to please each other, you can't help but be happy."

Cait's Corner: The Opposite of Love

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Here lies the newest edition to Caitlin's monthly book reviews. This month she reviews "The Opposite of Love" by Julie Buxbaum. Caitlin is an avid runner, sugar addict and book nerd. Her reviews can be seen here at the beginning of every month. Enjoy!

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The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Or so they say. But why? We each likely have our own opinion on this topic and in Julie Buxbaum’s first novel “The Opposite of Love”, she explores it in an interesting way. As aforementioned in my first review, I can be snobby about books. When I found this novel, I was browsing the bookstore with no intention of actually purchasing anything. This was found on the bargain table, which is where books go to die as far as I’m concerned. But when I sat down with this book- along with a pile of other books and magazines- I couldn’t stop reading it. The main character, Emily, is someone I could see myself being friends with- imperfect but endearing. Hell, she’s someone I AM at times. So I bought the book at the bargain price of $5.98 and proceeded to inhale it as only a true booklover can.

The novel begins with Emily breaking up with her boyfriend, Andrew. She rationalizes that he wants to get married and she just isn’t ready. I respect this and her view on settling down in our society, “We are acting under a collective cultural delusion, the one that demands random connection after the quarter-life mark, a handcuffing to whoever lands by your side during a particular game of musical chairs.” But while she seems self-assured and progressive at first, we find that Emily has no real idea of who she is. She has a wall of defense mechanisms surrounding her, something most of us know a thing or two about. She has plenty of reasons for them- her mother died when she was young, and her relationship with her father is almost completely devoid of emotion. But while her life has not been entirely easy, it is no reason to shut yourself off to feeling any part of life. Emily’s insightful therapist sums this up nicely, “...over time, normal defense mechanisms can hold us back from living our lives.” I feel like if more of us could realize this and change, we could do some amazing things. I suppose it’s a case of easier said than done.

As Emily grows and opens up to life, she can’t seem to get Andrew out of her head and tries to get in touch with him multiple times. But while many books in this genre- and let’s face it, they are a dime a dozen- resolve with the main character realizing she needs no one but herself, this one is a bit different. The twist here is that Emily learns how to let people in, how to hold onto relationships in spite of her defense mechanisms. She had been feeling indifference toward her own life for so long, she had to actually relearn how to feel. I think we’ve all shut doors on certain parts of our life deemed too difficult to deal with from time to time, and would benefit from opening them back up and peeking in. Love and hate cannot be opposites because they are both feelings and therefore have many similarities. Indifference is the lack of feeling; it is boring, bland, and empty. Love and hate may be messy or scary, but they are full of passion. And isn’t passion what makes life worth living?

This novel is not quite life changing and certainly not on my top ten list of favorite books. It is, however, an entertaining read that pleasantly surprised me. It is better written than many of its kind and it reads quickly. The message to open yourself to life comes out clearly without being too preachy. Emily becomes a friend, a girl you want to attempt to fix, if only you didn’t have the same fears and issues she battles. If this book does nothing more than remind you to live and love fully, it’s done its job. Passion should not be underrated.

The Danger of Deserve

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How often have you said to a friend “you deserve better”? I know I say it all the time because my friends, who are smart, funny and beautiful, can sometimes date…ahem…losers. And because my friends are so smart, funny and beautiful, I can see that they CLEARLY deserve someone who realizes what he has and treats them well. Doesn’t everyone? Do you dictate what you deserve?Or does someone else?

The very wise Aunt Lee, a close friend and confidant of mine, has a marked dislike for the word “deserve.” She believes that it’s a subjective term that creates a sense of entitlement. There's no such thing as good people and bad people. We are all imperfect creatures who can act in both morally correct and incorrect ways. Is there some sort of heavenly tally that puts our actions through a calculator and determines that we deserve someone who treats us well most of the time. Oh but this person deserves someone who beats them…

I believe that we get what we ask for. I don’t mean that in the sense that if a woman is beaten, she deserves it. No, that’s disgusting and wholly untrue. I mean that if we ask – demand – to be treated well then we will be. Boom. It’s that simple. It’s not without trial and error though – clearly if you want to be treated like a princess, you’ll attract a different type of guy than if you’re less high-maintenance. Either way, you shouldn’t ever feel the need to apologize for asking for what you want. This is your life. You only get one. Why spend it frustrated that you’re not being treated how you’d like to be treated?

Using this logic – we all deserve what we ask for. Unfortunately it’s not that simple. There’s the whole mystical element of Karma. Some of you may know that I am a HUGE believer in Karma. There is one particular event in my past (I’ll save that for another blog post) that led me to believe that there is in fact some force greater than us who keeps score. When the Karma is very clear-cut (ie. He cheated on you and then gets cheated on in return) deserve is easy. When it’s not so clear cut (ie. moral grey areas) deserve is not so easy to decipher.

Does one’s inner core of goodness negate one or two sinful acts? What about the opposite way around? I’ve always said that there are no good and bad people only good people who do bad things and bad people who do good things. I’ve always meant this in the sense that you can do some foul things and still have a generally good character. But if our actions make up our character, than that theory is moot.

I'm not so sure I'm a complete believer in the word "deserve." As Shakespeare wrote in the Merchant of Venice, the devil may cite scripture for his own end. Likewise, I've known many undeserving people with an enlarged sense of entitlement who misuse the word. However, I do know many amazing people who absolutely DESERVE anything and everything they set their hearts on. So maybe "deserve" isn't meant to be an objective term. The subjective suits me just fine.

As Maureen Dowd said: "The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for."

Song O' The Day

This song is my new obsession. I love the entire Train CD "Save Me San Francisco."

Ask Izzy: What Do You Have to Lose?

Ask Izzy is a bi-weekly column written by a twenty-something New Yorker (Izzy) whose progressive side often collides with her eternally optimistic romantic side. Feel free to join the conversation and send any questions/concerns/topics you'd like her to address: ask.izzy123@gmail.com

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The other night I was drinking wine with my best friend, Leigh. Topics of conversation were typical of women in their 20's: politics, religion, work.... Oh who I am kidding, we talked about a few things but focused too much on our existent (or nonexistent) love lives. The morning after, scrummaging for Advil and water, we recapped the previous nights conversation and started to question whether or not our standards are too high. Are we being too picky? [Note: If anyone knows my mother, never show her this post. She'd yell so loud my deaf grandmother could hear.]

Before everyone woman starts to say I'm crazy, let me explain. I believe we all need standards. However these standards should be viewed as guidelines and not rules. For instance I try to date guys that are independent, family orientated, ambitious, thoughtful, have a career and a sense of humor. Of course there are the superficial standards too. I can only imagine the eye rolls I'm getting, but you know we all have them. It is a known fact that within the first few minutes of meeting someone, women and men know if they would sleep with that person. What we don't know is if we're compatible with that individual. At least outside of the bedroom.

Leigh's current situation made me question if we're being too picky. She's been seeing George for a few months and I personally think he's great for her. He's a serious catch, and meets most of her standards. He's sweet, makes her happy, and her family adores him. He's in his second year of law school, and comes from a great family. When they are together, Leigh has a great time with him. So why when he ready to be more serious did she break it off? Simply because he doesn't fit the image that she's chiseled into her brain of who she wants to marry. [Reminder: we're in our mid-twenties. Mid-twenties! Since when are we suppose to meet Mr. Right at this age? I'm looking for Mr. Right Now.]

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Well - it gets better. Leigh also ended it because she didn't want to break his heart. Come again? I immediately opened the second bottle of wine in order to restrain myself from going bat-shit crazy. Even me, the hopeless romantic, knows that life is not always filled with rainbows and unicorns. No one likes to break a heart or have their heart broken, but why stop yourself from being with someone because you're scared of it? Do you think that the people in the dating world say, "I like her a lot, have a good time with her, but since she's not Mrs. Right I'll stop seeing her. It's only been a month or two but I'll end it now?" Probably not.

Now please, I'm not saying go ahead and lead everyone on that you have a good time with. I'm saying be honest with the person your dating and yourself. In Leigh's case, she was actually cutting off her feelings, and selling herself short because he's not her idea of Mr. Right. How, at this age, are we suppose to know what's best for us without trying what's out there? If we close ourselves up and wait for Mr. Right, I promise he'll walk right by without getting a second glance.

What did I learn from this in comparison to my dating style? No one will ever know unless they try. Stupid, was a boy from a New Hampshire and I am a New Yorker. Sure we had things in common, but it was what we didn't have in common that I valued the most. How else would I know I could survive a weekend without a shower, electricity, or a bathroom (no running water), in a cabin in Vermont? Or enjoy a staying at a bed and breakfast with strangers? I also learned that there are things that I wont bend or compromise but I learned this because I said, "what the hell".

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Like the beautiful Marilyn Monroe once said, "Ever notice that 'what the hell' is always the right decision?"

So all I ask is give someone you normally wouldn't a chance. Say what the hell, and see what happens. What do you actually have to lose?